Eating me From the Inside

[opening heart]
I desire a lot,
but I have little
My heart, my mind, my love, and My God
maybe not so little

I have the strongest of roots,
but in evaluating myself....
there are no fruits

God has given me the will to hold on,
and I promise (myself),
that is the only thing
that I can put my faith in

I have no peace,
no happiness,
no joy,
no nothing from this world
And maybe its God showing me that all I need is Him

But it hurts
Not like one of those,
Guys aren't suppose to hurt,
so we suck it up and keep it inside....nooo
This hurts like
your soul being consumed
with poisonous snakes,
and everytime you toss one off,
another bites you
in a different place of your soul (in life)

I have no idea what purgatory feels like,
but if its anything worse that what my soul feels now,
Then I know I don't wanna go there.

I'm so discontent with everything surrounding my life...except me.
Its really confusing though,
cause 9 times out of 10,
I'm wondering if I need to change/grow me?

But then,
I'm doing good things...
I'd do anything in the world for anyone.
But for some reason...
I always...
and I mean always get the tail end of the stick.

And what makes it worse is the fact that I try to be a good person.
[closing heart]

Alone

Alone
Lying, Thinking, Last night
Trying to find myself a home
Where my soul is without thirst
and my heart...without moan.

I've learned one thing
And my emptiness proves I'm not wrong
That nobody
But nobody
Can make it out here alone

Alone..yes alone
maybe like the rest of society
I lay here all alone

I don't know others
but I know my heart lones for
joy in the morning
happiness in the night
and peace of mind,
no one can clone

Cause nobody
But nobody
Can make it out here alone

Alone,
yes alone
Maybe like the rest of society
I lay here all alone

Now if you listen closely
You'll hear what I hear
The breathe of a single soul
The intellected thoughts
of a man whose feelings are getting cold

A man whose suffering
from a suffication of frustration
A conglamoration of thoughts
That has led him to become God's Patient

Patient for purpose, life, and peace

So as the frail night falls
and the morning dew rises,
He'll have someone there...
to call...

because Nobody...
no nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Highway True Love - 9/1/2004

I've always thought of it as a failed attempt to fill an endless void in life....a medoicre method of massaging the mind while stabbing the heart, unless it's binded by the true roots from which is extends. It entraps the minds and tortures the soul. It feeds off the distorted misunderstood method from which it originated, unless it has a beginning...a frame work, a point at which all else is obsolete including the very thing itself. Without the proper origins, it becomes as a virus, ever so slowly mutating itself so that one version can't be determined from another....mutating until it becomes socially....acceptable. What makes it so difficult to fully grasp ones eyes around it is the simple fact that if found the right way, if nuturing of the seed can win patience over the bloom, which will only last for a breif moment in time, some way, by the grace of God, we can truly see the goodness and annoiting, the blessing, the fruitfulness of what we have socially made into a sinful virus. I have often times lately found myself in deep thought about what it would be like to be able to spiritually engulf, not my flesh, but my heart, my fantasies, my soul, into this entity that on the surface portrays its self as a means of self actualization (attempting to reach ones pinnacle), yet when fully understood actually reaches the top of the mountain. I no longer think about her, nor myself for matter......and that is when I get out of self and travel the road unchartered to find the roots of what I am seeking. I travel back down a road that I shouldn't have to, but due to my inability to navigate myself early on, I got lost, and thank God, He has placed a sign at the beginning of that road that reads: "HWY True Love: Turn Here". I'm glad he placed it there, cause if he hadn't only He knows where I would have ended up. So begin my journey, alone, which is what I strongly believe he wanted. But I shall press forward. You see the good thing about Him is that He lets me know that the road will be Dark.....and that when I BEGIN to see the light at the other end, First and foremost I will begin to see all of the things that have slowed my path on this dark and dreary road...... side note: "Have you ever heard the saying: 'The closer you get to God (the Light), the more you see the things that were holding you down'" But by the time I reach that light I will have sheded that coat of distortion, that weight of dispare, that gumption that had been holding me down and confused for o' so long. And when I do....oh when I do.....I shall find her....not just her the flesh, not just her the tangible....but her the peace of mind.....her the soul....she who has reached that light with me, but on another path also called "Hwy True Love". She shall become me and I become she and in His eyes we shall no longer be known as I & She......but we become know to Him who is above all as "WE". At that point in time, you can take my name, because it no longer matters to me, just call she & I.... "WE".... And when that time comes....this socially accepted virus will no longer have the means to come into our lives...to threaten the very threads that make up our conjoined souls. We shall create our own greater antibody...and it shall be called....Love....True Love....we shall show the masses what this virus truly is, not by exposing it, but by experiencing true love. And no longer will we understand the ideology of this man made word...this three letter conjecture...this virus that leads to fornication, adultry, and lust......because all that we will know is love and how to make it as a patiently as a potter critques his work...as dedicated as the eygptians who built the pyramids....and as long as it took you and me, who became we....to travel down that unchartered path known as "Hwy True Love" Love is a beautiful thing!

My Serenity Prayer - August 8th 2004

(written will I was going through some things)

My Serenity Prayer

Lord,
Grant me the ability to change the things I can
Fruitfulness to multiply the Annointing on my life
And Humbleness, So that when the Day is Over
I Make sure to Give you All the Glory.
Amen

Thoughts Up In The Air - July 13th 2004

(written while flying back from Detroit MI)


Sometimes life divergences
leads us to converge
on the point of focus that treads the path of righteousness.

If we outerject our soul focus from the world,
and allow Him to interject His Will,
we subject ourselves to the utmost blessing being placed upon our lives.

Yet, we seem so consumed
in the mist of this fabled reality,
in which we keep trying to rub our optics
to make clear the scorned falicies
of this tarnished lifestyle.

But as you get higher
and more focused on His Light,
you allow your spiritual self
to seperate the flesh from the Father.

The two cannot co-exist.
*Depression*
This is what we have conjured up
to counteract the true concept
of placing flesh into the emptiness from whence it came.

Life does that though, from time to time. I've realized that one first hand. But upon that realization also have I realized that Fighting Flesh is a tempation within itself. We continuously look out into the abyss for something that should be found from within. What is this? Who are we? Questions asked when we seek purpose before we seek Him. Both questions answered by Him.....He is!